Posted by: Fawn | January 30, 2009

Mixed up kinda day

Jan. 28, 2009

Today I had a confusing day. I spent the past couple of days being so much more positive then usual and it felt good. I told myself I would hold my head up high and smile. Today though, in this wintery gloom, I didn’t much care for smiling. The day didn’t suck completely – I was stuck in the office all day long and couldn’t see anything from the 55th floor where I work but, I did have an amazing smoothie which I will talk about later. 

After work I had a doctors appointment and let’s just say it was very emotional. I just got a pap smear (is that too personal for the blog?) but all of the questions that they usually ask family history of cancer, when did your dad die, when did your mom have cancer, have you had an abnormal pap smear,  how are you doing…On top of listing all of your medical problems to someone you have never met before (student dr… I always get one when all I really want is my Doc alone, who already knows me and knows that at the same time my dad was dying with lung cancer my mom was getting a hysterectomy for cervical cancer. Bleh).

So needless to say I cried and whenever I see my family Doctor is happens to be in the winter and I am always much more sad in the winter. I think I talked about me having depression and anxiety before but in the WINTER it is much worse. So we talked about me going back on my medication that I stopped taking over 2.5 years ago. To be honest I had thought about doing that a few weeks ago but I felt like maybe if I were to go back on the medication it would be like giving up because two years ago when I started therapy I committed myself to getting better without the help of medication. 

Back then I was absolutely against ME taking anymore meds. I felt so numb from taking them and at that point without the help of talk therapy I didn’t know or maybe just couldn’t face my real problems. So maybe I blamed the meds for masking my problems but without doing that I don’t know if I would have ever walked into talk therapy and finding my therapist has been an absolute blessing… and I hardly ever use the word blessing so that’s big for me! 

Now that I have had a wonderful therapist for two years, with two appointments a week I think I may be ready to reconsider medication and know going into it that I do have problems that I have to work on everyday. During the winter though with this Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), I have a hard time staying healthy. Especially with my past where I dabbled in binging. Well, who am I kidding any addict that says dabbled did more than dabble. While I haven’t binged in a long time I am not  healthy and that is what this blog is all about. Being honest and trying to be healthy. 

So Monday morning, which is Therapy Monday, I will discuss with therapist the chance of me going back on medication. If I feel so miserable just because it’s winter how am I supposed to be happy? I feel like it is just another thing working against me. I want to wake up and not have to fight myself trying to decide if I am going to go to the gym today, or do yoga today, if I am going to eat oatmeal/cereal or eat a muffin from some cafe on the way to work. So… We will see. I am also going to look into getting a light box because well, light is so important and I know that. I know it is important for my internal clock as well, since I also have sleep apnea. Haha damn. This is why I am changing I have so many conditions that exist because of poor decisions. 

If anyone has any recommendations for light boxes please comment and let me know. I know some people read this but no one has commented. If you have any suggestions for the blog, what you would like to know or what I should include please let me know! If struggle with similar problems please share!

Back to the good stuff… The SMOOTHIE I had yesterday. I was at work and we have a little market place under our building on the concourse level and I noticed a smoothie stand and thought that sounds good. I had a sample of a smoothie the woman had just made and it was amazing! Banana, mango, pineapple. I watched her make it and all that was in it was BANANA, PINEAPPLE, and MANGO. It was perfect, amazing consistency, and sweet with just enough citrus! The woman working there was also such a doll, with a great attitude and really enthusiastic about her smoothies and just her little dose of smoothie kindness brightened up my day. As I was leaving she said she hoped to see me everyday. I would like to take that as more than just marketing! She punched my frequent smoothie card, which she had just given me and I thought to myself I want to come back everday too. Unfortunately the smoothie was 4.75 for a medium and I can’t afford that everyday but it really was a nice treat. 

 

On to pictures!

Tuesdays bland food:

 

1/2 of a medium banana with some almond butter

1/2 of a medium banana with some almond butter

 After that I had some birdseed toast… not sure of the actual name of the bread but it is from Whole Foods and has poppyseads, sunflower seeds and all different good stuff.

Dinner: I bought a can of chicken soup. I hate soup I also hate canned soup but I was so tired I didn’t think I could accomplish much else. It was disgusting I ate 3 bites and unfortunately threw the rest away. Gross…

Traders Joe's Chicken and Mafalde Pasta Soup, Low Sodium, Thumbs Down

Traders Joe's Chicken and Mafalde Pasta Soup, Low Sodium, Thumbs Down

Wednesday:

Feeling a little better and have some cereal

Nature's Path Organic Optimum Blueberry Cinnamon, First time, Very good! usually get flax flake things...

Nature's Path Organic Optimum Blueberry Cinnamon, First time, Very good! usually get flax flake things...

Lunch:

Delicious pineapple, mango, banana smoothie from the Market Place.

Delicious pineapple, mango, banana smoothie from the Market Place.

Dinner:

1/2 of a bison burger with guacamole on a toasted wheat bun. I also ate the insides of a large sweet potato. I had a particularly messy dining experience.

1/2 of a bison burger with guacamole on a toasted wheat bun. I also ate the insides of a large sweet potato. I had a particularly messy dining experience.

 Jan. 29, 2009

Breakfast this morning:

 

In a smoothie mood from the day before. Strawberry, banana, soy milk, flax seed smoothie.

In a smoothie mood from the day before. Strawberry, banana, soy milk, flax seed smoothie.

So everything was looking great this morning with the smoothie when I realized I forgot my flaxseed. So I put it in kind of… and of course none of it got chopped since the smoothie was already mixed. Then as that was going poorly I accidentally knocked over the bag and then this happened:

 

Spilled on the floor. Damn! What a waste!

Spilled on the floor. Damn! What a waste!

 

Smoothie with my new Hyacinth that I bought to brighten up my days. Smells delightful!

Smoothie with my new Hyacinth that I bought to brighten up my days. Smells delightful!

 

 

I was trying to relax and drink my smoothie in the little bit of sunlight that was in the living room and then it was spoiled by my roommate making a comment that I heard. She didn’t know I was in the next room and she was on the phone. she did apologize though almost right away and followed up with a second apology.  I know we all have times when we say things we wish we hadn’t. Maybe she wished she did but just wished I didn’t hear. Anyway I did think it was nice of her to apologize because some other roommates that I have had in this house would have just stopped speaking to me from things being awkward now. She apologized for hurting my feelings but my feelings weren’t hurt. What she said and how she said it just didn’t go along with a relaxing morning. 

After that I ran off to my podiatrist. I thought I would be fitted for orthotics today. I’ve been trying to get them for months but because I also have an equinus condition the doctor really doesn’t want to give them to me until I can bend my feet upwards at least 10 degrees. I have been doing the stretches he recommended but one foot, my bad foot is at 5 degrees and my other is at 8 degrees. When I first saw him they were both at 0. I couldn’t bend them upwards at all. Ladies who wear high heels, you know they are bad for your feet and they just promote this condition!  and if you already have this condition wearing high heels may actually make your feet feel better so beware!

Then I headed over to get my blood work done that I needed from my appointment last night. By the end of this year I will no longer have health insurance so for the next few weeks I will be getting check ups for different things. 

Sorry this post is sooooooo long.

Everything up until the smoothie was supposed to be posted last night but I fell asleep because I was just too worn out but I didn’t want to delete my draft just because it was meant for yesterday. 

I hope everyone has a good Friday! Hope it is not too long and grueling! Goodnight! 

 

Oh wait… to remind of the feelings in the Galapagos I will pretend everyday is south of the equator and that everyday I will be a happy gringo!

 

Happy Gringo!

Happy Gringo!

 

So cute!

So cute!

Tortoise

Floreana Island, Galapagos, Looking for sea turtles

Floreana Island, Galapagos, Looking for sea turtles

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