Like my little play on a song there? It is very difficult to have a continuously productive relationship with a person that suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. I am found this out in the past and I think I chose to forget about it for a little while and I am starting to become more aware again of how I can work with him when he is trying to work against me. Even if I am doing what I can though, He is still essentially working against me.
For those of you that don’t know I am doing a month long internship in Arkansas with elephants. Learning how to care for them in captivity, their diets, behaviors and stuff like foot care, safety practices… It has been amazing!
I have been gone since March 31st. I misses a lot of family and friend events this month which was a bummer because I really like to be involved in those things but I just really needed to do this for myself. Very sad to miss my BABY JAKE’S first easter, My Grandma and Josh’s Birthday among other things. I had to just get away and finally make a decision. The decision I had to make was… Am I just dreaming when I think that working with elephants will make me happy? (After all I have no experience with elephants) So I came here to decide if this is really something that I want to do, If this is something that will make me happy. I was so scared before I left that maybe it was just a dream and that nothing, not even elephants could make me happy. But I am glad to announce it is not a dream. I have been beaming since I got here. Just to be around them, to be able to watch the elephants has been unbelievably amazing and really life changing because one, I know that I can be happy, If I want to be happy… and two! I have decided I am going to work towards becoming an elephant handler. Whatever I have to do I will do it!
Even when the work is so hard here and I dont think I can wheel one more wheel Barrow full of elephant poop up and ramp to dump into a spreader I can somehow do it and it’s because thats what elephants need. If you have a captive elephant they need to have all of that done for them and I am willing to do any work that is for the elephants. Someone was joking around and told someone else to put something in the elephants butt. That person said that they wouldn’t do that. I said, “I will!” A joke of course because you should never put your hand in an elephants butt unless it is for a medical procedure but my point of sharing that little statement I made is that I am just very eager to work with elephants and it feels good to want to do something so badly and to not just be indifferent. This is Toby and he is by far, My favorite elephant! In my mind I would like to think that his full name is Tobias. I am now allowed to chain and unchain toby in the mornings and evenings, a handler is always there though!
This is Amy and her Baby. I don’t think Amy likes me that much, but I would like to think that is just because I am a new person around her baby. She gives me a look that says, ” I’m watching you.” The baby is sooo smart! Can’t get anything past her, not even a cherry cordial full of Vitamin E… haha!
More to come. I love it here, I love elephants! Also, I love working outside in the sunshine. I have known for a very long time how important the sun is in my life. I just need it!
today was my first day back from the gym since before christmas.
I said I was going to pay attention to how many miles I was walking in Ecuador and see how I felt and go from there.
So today I did 5.5 Miles on the elliptical and it said I burned 800 something calories… but not too sure how accurate that is.
But that really doesnt matter because I got up and I did it, the sun is shining and I don’t feel so bad.
So, now that I am really hungry I figured what a perfect time to try Angela’s “Green Power” over at OhSheGlows. I actually really dont like kale much but I figured I would give it a shot. Maybe as long as I don’t have to chew it I will like it… let’s see how it goes and then I will update with the results.
Jan. 28, 2009
Today I had a confusing day. I spent the past couple of days being so much more positive then usual and it felt good. I told myself I would hold my head up high and smile. Today though, in this wintery gloom, I didn’t much care for smiling. The day didn’t suck completely – I was stuck in the office all day long and couldn’t see anything from the 55th floor where I work but, I did have an amazing smoothie which I will talk about later.
After work I had a doctors appointment and let’s just say it was very emotional. I just got a pap smear (is that too personal for the blog?) but all of the questions that they usually ask family history of cancer, when did your dad die, when did your mom have cancer, have you had an abnormal pap smear, how are you doing…On top of listing all of your medical problems to someone you have never met before (student dr… I always get one when all I really want is my Doc alone, who already knows me and knows that at the same time my dad was dying with lung cancer my mom was getting a hysterectomy for cervical cancer. Bleh).
So needless to say I cried and whenever I see my family Doctor is happens to be in the winter and I am always much more sad in the winter. I think I talked about me having depression and anxiety before but in the WINTER it is much worse. So we talked about me going back on my medication that I stopped taking over 2.5 years ago. To be honest I had thought about doing that a few weeks ago but I felt like maybe if I were to go back on the medication it would be like giving up because two years ago when I started therapy I committed myself to getting better without the help of medication.
Back then I was absolutely against ME taking anymore meds. I felt so numb from taking them and at that point without the help of talk therapy I didn’t know or maybe just couldn’t face my real problems. So maybe I blamed the meds for masking my problems but without doing that I don’t know if I would have ever walked into talk therapy and finding my therapist has been an absolute blessing… and I hardly ever use the word blessing so that’s big for me!
Now that I have had a wonderful therapist for two years, with two appointments a week I think I may be ready to reconsider medication and know going into it that I do have problems that I have to work on everyday. During the winter though with this Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), I have a hard time staying healthy. Especially with my past where I dabbled in binging. Well, who am I kidding any addict that says dabbled did more than dabble. While I haven’t binged in a long time I am not healthy and that is what this blog is all about. Being honest and trying to be healthy.
So Monday morning, which is Therapy Monday, I will discuss with therapist the chance of me going back on medication. If I feel so miserable just because it’s winter how am I supposed to be happy? I feel like it is just another thing working against me. I want to wake up and not have to fight myself trying to decide if I am going to go to the gym today, or do yoga today, if I am going to eat oatmeal/cereal or eat a muffin from some cafe on the way to work. So… We will see. I am also going to look into getting a light box because well, light is so important and I know that. I know it is important for my internal clock as well, since I also have sleep apnea. Haha damn. This is why I am changing I have so many conditions that exist because of poor decisions.
If anyone has any recommendations for light boxes please comment and let me know. I know some people read this but no one has commented. If you have any suggestions for the blog, what you would like to know or what I should include please let me know! If struggle with similar problems please share!
Back to the good stuff… The SMOOTHIE I had yesterday. I was at work and we have a little market place under our building on the concourse level and I noticed a smoothie stand and thought that sounds good. I had a sample of a smoothie the woman had just made and it was amazing! Banana, mango, pineapple. I watched her make it and all that was in it was BANANA, PINEAPPLE, and MANGO. It was perfect, amazing consistency, and sweet with just enough citrus! The woman working there was also such a doll, with a great attitude and really enthusiastic about her smoothies and just her little dose of smoothie kindness brightened up my day. As I was leaving she said she hoped to see me everyday. I would like to take that as more than just marketing! She punched my frequent smoothie card, which she had just given me and I thought to myself I want to come back everday too. Unfortunately the smoothie was 4.75 for a medium and I can’t afford that everyday but it really was a nice treat.
On to pictures!
Tuesdays bland food:
After that I had some birdseed toast… not sure of the actual name of the bread but it is from Whole Foods and has poppyseads, sunflower seeds and all different good stuff.
Dinner: I bought a can of chicken soup. I hate soup I also hate canned soup but I was so tired I didn’t think I could accomplish much else. It was disgusting I ate 3 bites and unfortunately threw the rest away. Gross…
Feeling a little better and have some cereal
Jan. 29, 2009
Breakfast this morning:
So everything was looking great this morning with the smoothie when I realized I forgot my flaxseed. So I put it in kind of… and of course none of it got chopped since the smoothie was already mixed. Then as that was going poorly I accidentally knocked over the bag and then this happened:
I was trying to relax and drink my smoothie in the little bit of sunlight that was in the living room and then it was spoiled by my roommate making a comment that I heard. She didn’t know I was in the next room and she was on the phone. she did apologize though almost right away and followed up with a second apology. I know we all have times when we say things we wish we hadn’t. Maybe she wished she did but just wished I didn’t hear. Anyway I did think it was nice of her to apologize because some other roommates that I have had in this house would have just stopped speaking to me from things being awkward now. She apologized for hurting my feelings but my feelings weren’t hurt. What she said and how she said it just didn’t go along with a relaxing morning.
After that I ran off to my podiatrist. I thought I would be fitted for orthotics today. I’ve been trying to get them for months but because I also have an equinus condition the doctor really doesn’t want to give them to me until I can bend my feet upwards at least 10 degrees. I have been doing the stretches he recommended but one foot, my bad foot is at 5 degrees and my other is at 8 degrees. When I first saw him they were both at 0. I couldn’t bend them upwards at all. Ladies who wear high heels, you know they are bad for your feet and they just promote this condition! and if you already have this condition wearing high heels may actually make your feet feel better so beware!
Then I headed over to get my blood work done that I needed from my appointment last night. By the end of this year I will no longer have health insurance so for the next few weeks I will be getting check ups for different things.
Sorry this post is sooooooo long.
Everything up until the smoothie was supposed to be posted last night but I fell asleep because I was just too worn out but I didn’t want to delete my draft just because it was meant for yesterday.
I hope everyone has a good Friday! Hope it is not too long and grueling! Goodnight!
Oh wait… to remind of the feelings in the Galapagos I will pretend everyday is south of the equator and that everyday I will be a happy gringo!
In the past week I have many air miles, sea miles and land miles. It is pretty tiring to just travel to and from a vacation spot on top of trekking for 5 days in another country trying to pack every moment with something memorable. It was all very memorable and so worth it. My trip to Quito, Ecuador and The Galapagos islands was amazing and it reminded me how important it is to do things that make me happy because when I am unhappy my whole world crashes down around me and then I feel like what is the point.
During one of the excursions while I was looking at Blue footed boobies with their babies I started to feel all of these wonderful things. Like life is magical and even if it isn’t always magical for me in Philadelphia I have to keep in mind that there are magical things out there that make me feel positive and good about myself that I have to find and that has to be a priority. I felt so grateful to see birds that only exist just this one place in the world.
On this trip I felt in tune with the environment around me. I listened to my body, I felt strong, I ate when I was hungry I drank when I was thirsty. Many people may think that those things are simple to do but when you have severe depression even simple thoughtless tasks are difficult.
So anyway to wrap this up I feel like I have a fresh outlook and Im gonna try my hardest to hold on to it. Here are some photos from before the trip and during the trip.
To wrap up for the night this is what I ate today
Breakfast: Kashi heart to heart with 1/2 cup skim milk. not pictured
Lunch: whole grain bagel with guacamole cucumber slices and havarti cheese. I also had a dill pickle and half of a pear.
Lunch was was so good but made me feel so sick. Much like every single thing I eat. Must go to the doctor soon. I think, although I can’t be sure, I may have IBS…. damn.
Dinner: beef and bean burrito from my favorite Tex-Mex restaurant. I also had a few chips with salsa but they weren’t so good tonight. Again… made me sick. Might stop eating all together.
Tomorrows food pics may be pretty bland because I plan on eating bread and drinking water… that’s all.
Hope everyone is well and IBS free! Have a good night!
Well, I wasn’t planning on letting a few days pass between posts and every night I sat down to post I tried working on the appearance of the blog. I tried, tried. As you can see I wasn’t very successful. I don’t know how this WordPress works yet. So far, I am not impressed. It is very limited. I know just the options we have probably take a lot of work but I am from the days of Live Journal and I could CUSTOMIZE my journal in a hot second with some html. This is nothing like that. I really want to be able to add a photo of myself on the main page without changing my header.
I hope my header picture is not discouraging to anyone. It is meant to say this is what I am not. I am not a baby bird. I want to be stronger than a baby bird, already able to fly.
There is a story behind my name. I think it will be perfect for a post in the future. It comes from a dream I had about a bird and that dream made me decide to change my life for the better.
I hope everyone will be enjoying their 3 day weekend if you have one. Happy early Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Thankyou MLK Jr. for having a dream. Afterall, even now I know that without dreams nothing can change. Here I am making changes based on dreams.
So in the future I will post my baby bird dream but for now there are more pressing things. I should be packing but as a gift to myself I am blogging. I am doing this right now for me while wearing flannel owl pajamas and drinking hot chocolate.
I went to therapy today. I don’t know completely engaged I was though. I feel like it is hard to be engaged in a session when I know I won’t see Doctor for a little while. I feel like why get something started right now that I can’t finish. Even if I don’t know how I will react or feel in therapy, feel like talking or not, being serious or not, I always always go. I made that commitment to get better and so far I have only tried canceling once to get out of it because I was feeling so bad I was feeling far worse then even wanting help. But then I called back and got a later appointment that day. That was when I just started out though.
Today we talked about why should I have friends if I can’t be honest with them. To be honest I think I would be a pretty big downer if I said everything I thought out loud But again that is something I want to work on because If I weren’t thinking negative thoughts I wouldn’t have to express them. So I would be thinking positively and having something great to say that is something I actually feel.
Today I was feeling overwhelmed though. With the Galapagos trip coming ( I leave Saturday morning) This trip was a birthday gift from my boyfriend. I have always wanted to go there and to my surprise he accepted it as the destination when I suggested it. Not that I said, “Give me a Destination Birthday Gift!” I didn’t. He offered to take me on a trip for my birthday which was back in November and then he suggested the Bahamas or Puerto Rico but I thought GALAPAGOS! He has a very bad reptile phobia but he accepted this destination so hopefully he will be OK. I also do not like reptiles but more specifically snakes.
I ran around today getting errands done. I have almost all of my stuff at his house ready to be packed. I just have to pack my on flight bag, print travel documents and I also had a few things to wash so they are in the dryer.
I have some goals for the trip.
I will be on a cruise ship for a few days and I know they are notorious with providing around the clock food but I really am going to try to choose foods that are good for me and pay attention to when I am hungry. I am bringing my favorite Larabars for when we are out hiking and for the plane ride. Salty peanuts are the last thing I want.
My feet have really been feeling horrible lately but I will be doing a lot of walking on this trip like all trips we go on and also hiking. I hope my feet can hold up. I would like to keep track of miles walked and keep up with it once I get back to Philly. Even though my feet are in pain right now I know walking will help in the long run. Eventually I will have my orthotics and will feel better but I have to work on another foot condition before I get them.
I got a new bag for the trip because my messenger bag I usually use kills my shoulder because it has a thin strap with no cushion and I tend to have a very heavily packed bag. so this is my new one.
I got it at Ross for 20 bucks, I Generally would not go for something so pink but it was all they had and the shape, strap and compartments are all very ideal for the trip. Especially since I will be caring a very heavy camera bag on my back throughout the trip.
Long term goals for health. fix feet, fix back. I am 24… there is a song that says …”When you’re only 23 It’s not attractive to complain about your sore back” I’m 24, quick! Gotta act fast!~
Hopefully I will have lots of wonderful things to share when I get back next week! Enjoy!
Doctor said today She wants me to feel empowered enough to make my own path in life. Doctor, I want that too. I want to be able to say what I feel too but immediately, naturally, I feel like I must do whatever the other party wants to do because what I want isn’t important. That can’t be true though because I do what other people want but only while not being very pleasant in the end I think. So in that case none of us win. If I don’t start paying attention to what I want to do how can I possibly ever be happy. Last Thursday, which is Therapy Thursday, Doctor told me to do something for myself this weekend. Something fun, something to make me happy. I immediately replied what would that be? I’m so negative. Well, I didn’t do anything for myself this past weekend. I would have loved to spent some time on myself or even packing for my upcoming trip to the Galapagos but the weekend was spent getting a pregnant, stray cat that I found a week ago into a foster home this weekend.
That was good and I was happy about that but a lot of time was wasted. I had so much time to wallow this weekend. It was the opposite of a good for me weekend. It was snowing and gray and I had nothing to do and nothing I could do while staying at my friends. I did find myself chanting a little to myself. I noticed that I was also chanting to myself a little in the shower. I think it is nice that I am doing that. I must be trying to get through something at that time or like trying to soothe myself.